Wednesday, January 09, 2019

On the Laps of Grown Men (and other obvious stuff we can do to fight sexual abuse)

On the Laps of Grown Men

by Jessica Holter 

the laps of grown men

the laps of grown men
squirm like worms
in an unseasonal
warm rain

Ghetto Girl Blue

I would have liked to believe that having been molested and losing my virginity to rape, is not a trauma in my life. I would like to say that I am an evolved human, bigger than my sexual assignment. I'd like to believe the sexual abuse I found in places I was too young and naive to be, were just life lessons for a girl who needed to get tough, real quick in them Oakland streets, and churches, schools, and in a foster home built on a foundation of old rugged secrets. I want to feel that it is just a part of what makes me who I am, and that it is not crippling, nor is it a crutch. I'd like to say that and mean it. 

finishing school

we nasty bitches 
ain't got no finishing school
the streets finish us

The overdue resurfacing of the R Kelly's gross multi-level mutation of BDSM Lifestyle, Fan/Celebrity Privilege and Youth Exploitation, no doubt, has all survivors haunted. I watched in awe the 6 part documentary, mouth open. Like most survivors, and, as the shock died down, I started to think about all of the sexual misconduct in my life and how it has affected me. I saw faces and dusted off memories, that had I left on the altar in an old fashioned Baptist church where my molester presided over the Deacon Board. 

But, I'm not going into all of that here. I just wanted to take this moment to talk about recognizing and addressing obvious shit when it comes to sexual impropriety is it relates to the youth of our World community.

age fifteen

at age fifteen
i was an unloaded weapon
aimed at an enemy 
i called a friend

Dang, this is so fucking real. I am so glad we are all talking about it now. No matter the side you stand on, this open communication is a fantastic way to expose people to the discussion of sexual impropriety.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. I would love to hear yours. We will be talking about this on

My Inner Views... 

1.  *CONTROL YOUR FUCKING SELF! Just because a child is, exciting you, mature, developed, fast, or wanted it, or begged for it, does not make it ok for a grown person to have sexual contact with them.

* This is very confusing and complicated because there is arousal. These mixed signals can cause all sorts of miscalculations, that may lead to regret, shame, all types of stuff, especially in the young, undeveloped mind. 

*To add insult to injury, a victim of sexual abuse may not know they are being abused because human touch can be so pleasurable.

2. Don't have drunk and high adults around your children, kicking it, spending the night, partying... when you think about it... the nastiest, freakiest, most messed up stuff most of us have done is when we were drunk of high. So, um, yeah. 

3. What's Up with Church? Perishoners must start making the churches and pastors who are paid by the community, to become more active in the eradication of sexual child abuse in the communities they profit from. There should not be a pimp in communities where there is also a MegaChurch. (Jesus is all like WTF? #Church) 

4. Little children do not need to be on the laps of grown men. Every man has an arousable penis in their lap area. Children should not be in contact with it at all, ever period. I don't care what you say.

5. Assume your child is telling the truth, when they report sexual misconduct to you. If there is innocence, it will reveal itself. 

6. Require all of our children, male and female to dress with self respect and humility. I just think we all behave better when we look nice. 

7. Fast Kid's Retraining. Be honest with yourself. You know if you have a fast or mannish child. Deal with it right away. It is never too late to show a child how loose life behavior is perceived, reacted to and reputation defining. Don't just find out your cousin is meeting grown men in hotels, and come along as the lookout. And then gossip about her.  You don't have to go on a crusade make them become something they are not, but rather, meet them where they are, no judgement and begin to educate them, and yourself about whatever it is. 

* If you know a young person who is irresponsibly sexually active, please get them to go to a clinic to prepare for it. 

8. How to recognize a Pimp 101. All children need this essential class. The World is a fucking money grubbing ghetto, and the weak and uninformed can not survive it. (Not without being medicated, anyway.) 

9. This brings me to Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. Just because it comes in a bottle, and it's from a doctor, does not make it safe. What the heck do kids need to be on antidepressants for? Because they are not getting enough exercise. That's why. Because that are eating chemicals. Or maybe, because they are being molested, abused, or grossly misunderstood. Whatever the case, hormonal changes are a natural part of growing up. Start with a balanced diet, sunshine and exercise. We all need a decent circle of friends, rewards for doing well, and healthy social activities. Seriously, children who are medicated are impaired, physically and emotionally. If your child is having mental health problems, get to the root cause if you can. (May God bless you with that too.)

10. Talk to your child about sex early. Let them know it is a natural conversation, so they will not be as secretive when they are older. 

11. Most kids are secretive. It is your parental right to snoop. Hopefully, you have strong natural intuition, and you get a strong sense when something doesn't feel right with your child.

12. Be mindful that sometimes partners feel jealous of your relationship with your child. I believe this is something to look out for. 

13. Bringing new men around your children should be handled with care and transparency. A lot of time, we talk to our children privately, or make blanket statements, like, if anyone touched you, tell me. That's cool-ish, but I am suggested an actual sit down at a table... you and your children and the new man should discuss rules of engagement and the consequences of breaking them.. 
For Example: 
1. There is to be no touching in this place, that place...
2. There are to be no meetings behind closed doors.
3. If you ever touch my child... this will happen
(Not that this will stop a real pedafile, with a real mental illness than leans in that direction, but you child will know to come to you right away, and you can nip it in the bud before there is too much damage.)

14. We take a lot for granted when new people come into our lives. To get a job you need a background check. But we will move someone in without background, credit checks, HIV test... nothing. There are literally listings of sexual offenders who live in your area. Your new boyfriend could be on it, and you don't even know.

15. Finally. If there is a molester climbing all over your family tree, that person needs to be dealt with. Do not let your molesting ass uncles, and cousins, aunties... whomever, continue to attend family functions. They gave up membership, when they violated the family trust and crossed the lines of decency required to be a member of your family.

16. We have got to let people know that we are not for sale. It is true that the love of money is the root of all evil. Too many women will tolerated the mistreatment of ourselves and our children for cash, security and dick.



Those are just some of my thoughts and ramblings. I apologize for not having better form on this. But if you made it all the way to the end, I thank you for your time and interest.

Jessica Holter
Ghetto Girl Blue

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